Author Unknown

A Woman’s Poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A Man’s Poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a s***.

Catherine Aird

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.

Mahatma Gandhi

What do I think of Western civilisation? I think it would be a very good idea.

Sue Grafton

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

I vasn’t born to be an athlete; I vas born to be a lover!” “You vill see . . . It’s simple, darling!

Virginia Woolf:

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

Golda Meir:

Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.

Agnes Repplier:

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.

Dorothy Parker:

There’s a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; while wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

Emily Dickinson:

The truth I do not dare to know / I muffle with a jest.

George Eliot:

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Kristin Hunter:

Humor and satire are more effective techniques for expressing social statements than direct comment.

Louise Bernikow:

Humor tells you where the trouble is.

Mary Hirsch:

Humor is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Colette:

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Mae West:

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.